A New Age

[Note: I wrote this for my Writer's Craft class in March. I didn't want to post it here until I got my mark back -- 90%, for those who are interested. Just so everybody knows I wasn't plagiarizing or anything.]

A new trend is sweeping the nation; some are hailing it as the Mystikal Dawn of a New Age. I'm sure you've heard of it: that majickal new spirituality, Stealing-Stuff-From-Actual-Religions-And-Also-Making-Stuff-Up, or Ssfaraamsu, as it has been affectionately dubbed by its adherents. Since this innovative spirituality has become so popular among socialites, yuppies and celebrities alike, I decided to get the real scoop on Ssfaraamsu.

As you know (unless of course you've been living in a cave these past few months), Ssfaraamsu has actually been around for centuries, and was practiced by the ancient shamans of Atlantis, Mu, and Lemuria. After the sinking of these continents, the remaining practitioners of Ssfaraamsu, saved by friendly Farks and Sherrets (creatures that are part shark, part ferret) from the planet of Llysaturaayiin, had to go into hiding from the evil institution of organized religion. Many Ssfaraamsuians were subjected to brutal torture at the hands of organized religions during Ye Olde Dayes, and this period in history is known in Ssfaraamsu as the Bad Times. Although nowadays people can practice Ssfaraamsu without fear of persecution, a common phrase used among Ssfaraamsuians in times of conflict is "Never again the Bad Times!" So what if, now that you know its history, you wanted to learn the Ways of Sfaraamsu? Well, I used a phonebook to learn all about this remarkable spirituality; I found local group, called them up, and arranged a meeting.

Upon arriving at the large, suburban house, I was welcomed with loving and open arms. The leader of the group, Lady Moonstar Wolfsong, handed me a cup of green tea and let me join an authentic Ssfaraamsu acupuncture ritual which involved an ancient French prayer to the Buddha, an invocation of Quetzalcoatl in Old Norse, a Shinto Nod of Respect to Jesus (naturally in ancient Japanese), a Song of Worship for the Celtic goddess Aphrodite in Hindi, and a Blessed Dreamcatcher made in honour of the Native American god of Love and Light, Anubis.

"It pleases the gods when they are spoken to in their own tongue," explained Lady Moonstar after the ritual was over and everyone had taken off their blue cloaks. Blue, the group told me, was the colour of the ocean and the sky, and thus the colour of the Infinite Love that radiates from the Ultimate Extreme Universal Power (or Ueup) to us, the People of this Earth. This is why even their purse-sized dogs wear blue collars, which are usually made of rubber (which is waterproof so the dogs don't have to take them off when they shower or walk in the rain) and inscribed with an enlightening message, such as, 'Love = Good.'

"And," added Bob, whose spiritual name is Frolics-With-Farks-And-Sherrets, "That's why our special health-regulating SsfaraWater� is coloured blue. See, when we drink it, the blue colour gets absorbed into the chakras and the Infinite Love of Ueup fills our bloodstreams and promotes mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health."

"Yeah, it's amazing. This whole spirituality is amazing," said Beckee, a young Ssfaraamsuian, "I remember my very first VisionKwest� - the group took me to an authentic Sweat Lodge, with drums and everything! That was where I got my Spirit Guide, Fluffy. He's so cute, yes he is!" she cooed, petting her chihuaha.

"Beckee has grown spiritually since then!" beamed Lady Moonstar, "It's hard to believe that her VisionKwest� was only last week!"

The group did stress, though, that Ssfaraamsu is not just an inane and shallow attempt at religion. It's also a lifesaver.

"Ssfaraamsu saved my life," said Rosemary Silverflower, a High Priestess of the group, "When I found this group, I was headed in a bad direction - you know, drugs, alcohol, processed cheese - and these people came and saved me from all that. They taught me the Ways of Ssfaraamsu. It was the will of Ueup."

She spoke the name of the Ultimate Extreme Universal Power with awe and love, so I knew that Rosemary was not making this up, especially after glimpsing the blue rope bracelet on her wrist, a sign of the True Practitioner of Ssfaraamsu.

"I never thought I'd find the right spirituality for me," Rosemary continued after taking a sip of SsfaraWater�, "But Ssfaraamsu is perfect. I don't have to do anything difficult, like think - thinking is bad for your spiritual health, you know. And I get this beautiful SsfaraBracelet�, which helps centre and ground me so my energy isn't all wonky. Even just looking at this bracelet makes my chakras feel better, and wearing it all the time does wonders for my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health. I'm not even the least bit affected by bad vibes at the office anymore!"

"Yeah, and if you really want to treat yourself," said Frolics-With-Farks-And-Sherrets, pulling me aside consipiratorially, "I'd recommend buying some Healing Crystals�. You leave them hanging from a window, so they can absorb the sun's Love and Light, and then you adorn yourself with them so they can instill you with Inner Peace. Sometimes it's hard to do this, because the crystals are rather unwieldy, but if you just walk with your arms akimbo, like this," he demonstrated, "then you can manage. And you only have to wear the crystals for a couple hours, so it's not bad."

"You know," said Lady Moonstar, "Ssfaraamsu is really the most amazing Spiritual Path, and I hope many more people will realize this in the days to come. I'm so glad it's being endorsed by celebrities, too, because now we'll definitely get more members, and Ssfaraamsu really has no substance to begin with, so they can't screw it up."

And there you have it, folks: the scoop on Ssfaraamsu, the massive wave of Let's-Play-At-Religion that's sweeping the nation. If you want to appear unique, wise, and enlightened, this is definitely the Way for you to do so.

-Katsune

March 31, 2006